Pokemon XD: The Dukening
"Happy Christmas, Cousin Ardos!"
"…Cousin, you are biting your lip so hard that blood is now trickling down your chin."
"W-What? Oh, y-you know me. Always the kidder. Ahah… Ahahaha… Uguh… nnnnn…"
"Haha, yes indeed, Cousin! Always so very full of life! Good show, old chap! But perhaps you should stay away from the eggnog from now on!"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that was FUCKING HILARIOUS! It’s not enough for you to be an Earl, you have to be a sodding comedian too!”
"…Cousin Ardos, are you crying?"
"I’m just… so… *grrrrrrk* happy to… see Your Grace. Th-That’s all. Ahahaha… AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! D-Did you… get me a present?”
"Of course I did! I know that you have more money than you know what to do with, so I figured it would mean more if I made your present than if I just went out to a store and bought it. I only took five months of knitting lessons, but I hope you like this scarf!"
"Oh Little Cousin, I absolutely love it! I can use it to hang myself in the closet later.”
"…I’ll hang it in the closet later. Your Grace."
"P-Pass me another… bottle of scotch…
For I am the Earl… I am the Earl… of NOTHING!
I have it all: money, beauty… MONEY! All I need is a title! A damned little word in front of my name, and nobody understands that I NEED it! My survival- my very LIFE depends on it!
If I don’t get that title, then all of this would have been for NOTHING! My life will have been ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS! Devoid of meaning! I may as well be DEAD!
"Oh, I don’t take selfies.
Though I may or may not send pictures of my penis to the teenage girls that do.”
"In all honesty, I remain positively baffled as to why the little slut hasn’t yet squealed her delicate little heart out to the authorities regarding my rather unsavory behavior towards her. Granted, I would never, under any circumstance, qualify for sainthood, but I must say that sweet Lily, that depraved, filthy whore, truly brought out the worst in me.
Understand, now, that like most whores, the harder I pushed the louder she shrieked. Poor thing looked about ready to tear out her hair by the clumps. Oh, you should have heard the way she screamed after she found me sneaking razor blades into Michael’s pencil case. The threats, the hysteria, the melodrama:
'I'm calling the police! I hope you go to hell! You're sick! You're fucking sick!'
Ahahaha! Oh, that was cute! Coming from a man, those threats may have actually unsettled me.
I believe that, at the time, Lily endured my tortures in silence if only for my brother’s sake. After all, Eldes adored me so, and oh, how it would have broken his poor heart if dear wife accused dearest big brother of something as horrid as child abuse.
Nowadays, however, with her husband out of the picture, I haven’t the fainted idea why she refrains from blowing the whistle on my past ‘transgressions.’ Perhaps she simply wishes to wash her hands of the Verich family once and for all.
Oh, that’s typical. Whimpering little bitches bark, and bark, and bark, but when the time comes to finally bite, they’d rather cower behind their master’s legs and piddle a warm puddle of shame and misery behind them both. Ahahaha! With Eldes gone, why, poor Lily has lost her only security blanket as well. Single mother with two young children- what a shame it would be if something happened to them.
For all she knows, after all, Eldes is gone, but dearest Ardos still remains, still with a chip on his shoulder. And if I could lace a toddler’s oatmeal with rat poison, what else could I possibly do? As unbelievably stupid as the little cunt may be, I’d like to believe that it knows better than to try and find out.”
"Ha, true enough! Believe it or not, however, he remains outside our little sewing circle of petty gossip if only because we at Cipher delight in his presence. Indeed, Mr. Gorigan, albeit eccentric, happens to be the coworker of everyone’s dreams: easygoing, thoughtful, and generous.
Perhaps ‘tis only due to the fact that he finds the food in the cafeteria repulsive, but before every meeting, Mr. Gorigan saunters in with a box of donuts, a case of beer, or a stuffed crust pizza to share with the class. Granted, the man has no concept of speech aside from shouting, but I, along with many others, find myself willing to forgive his arguably insignificant faults. After all, the man purchased a silk tie for me the other day, if only because he ‘thought of me at the time.’
What a sweetheart.
If I ever find reason to eliminate Cipher’s admins in order to cover my tracks, then I assure you, I shall do my very best to ensure that Mr. Gorigan’s death be as swift and painless as humanly possible.”
"Now, now, that’s my nickname for my little boy, and I would prefer if nobody else used it. After all, it took me years of painstaking effort and creative forms of operant conditioning in order to train him to respond to the name. When he hears, ‘Ardoo,’ he knows it’s Papa, and he responds in a polite and timely fashion.
It wouldn’t do to have you unravel all those years of hard work. If everybody goes around calling him Ardoo, sooner or later, he’ll get fed up with it and stop responding altogether.
I have a good thing going here- don’t ruin it for me.”
"Move! You are violating my thought bubble, and I am in the middle of a very difficult boss battle! Now then, this is my tenth attempt to beat her, and the game penalizes me for losing by forcing me to re-watch the same boring cut scenes again, and again, and again! I will not lose… I cannot lose!"
"…Son, you have been sitting in front of that computer morning ‘til night every day for the past two months. You barely eat. You barely sleep. You shower only once a week! Ardos, you have a problem!"
"Yes, and that problem is that I am running out of mana potions! …Bah, I knew I should have been a warrior! These damned mages are far too squishy. I get stun locked so easily…
Maybe I should start a new game as a new character. Oh gods, what skills should I pick? Should I give him a beard? More importantly, who should I romance?!
Or maybe I’ll make a woman this time… a lesbian. Yes! A lesbian with jiggling breasts that defy the laws of physics! Does such a glorious mod exist? No? …I’ll make it, then. It is my quest- my destiny!”
"Words cannot express my disappointment at-"
"Shut up, I’m programming!"
"Duke Verich… are you quite sober?"
"Hm, I suppose. Though speaking of our dear Large Sir Ike, is it just me, or… or is he getting even larger?” Ardos whispered, as if Ike were hiding behind the curtains. “H-How does he do that? His arms are like tree trunks- at least the size of my waist!” Despite his own insecurities, Ardos couldn’t help but laugh at the massive girth that was Sir Ike.
"I wish that I could have seen Sir Ike in the pastel tights. I’ve always wondered if all of that bodybuilding was his attempt to compensate for… you know." He sipped awkwardly at his wine.
Elincia blushed, giggling again, the wine starting to loosen her tongue. “I’m afraid it’s not, though I have heard rumors of… herbal enhancements… that might have traded length for muscle. To be quite honest, I fear the man will harden into a literal rock someday…”
Ardos doubled over in an inelegant coughing fit, choking on his wine, as he attempted to regain his posture. This was an important topic of discussion, after all, and it wouldn’t do for him to miss out.
"D-Did I just hear you correctly? There exists an herb which will allow me to build muscle at the very reasonable sacrifice of a small length of my manhood?" With his judgement impaired, Ardos palmed at his crotch, as he attempted to recall just how long his penis was when engorged.
Eight, maybe nine inches? He could sacrifice a centimeter or two- maybe an entire inch, if it would make him look like that gigantic blue tiger.
"…And this will take care of the itching?"
"It should. Though honestly, I’m shocked that the regular creams from the pharmacy didn’t help."
"That makes two of us. Anyways, if you didn’t get this from the pharmacy, then did you make it yourself?"
"I certainly did, Brother. You’re lucky that I know a thing or two about chemistry."
"Playing with glorified tinker toys doesn’t make you a doctor. Is this safe? Whom did you test it on?"
"Well… No one, I guess. Does that make you the guinea pig?"
"You bastard. You’re testing the beta version on me, so that you can dispense the finished product to Lily later on, aren’t you?"
"Why would Lily ever need pubic lice cream?"
"Who do you think I got them from?"